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So … here we are again, guys 🙂
I haven’t done this in a long time … I missed it immensely, blogging, getting to chat to you guys …
But things have just … gone nuts. Again.
I won’t bore you with the details or make more excuses, because there aren’t any. I haven’t been breaking yet another promise in this regard. I haven’t not been doing what I said I’d do, and working my butt off to bring you something beautiful, something to bring us all together, something to abridge the divisions and things created in the beginning of the year …
I made promises I’m doing my very best to keep. One impossibly slow step at a time, and that’s because I’m doing this mostly alone, trying to keep this all together, to keep it all going …
And honestly, it seems like such a small solvable problem, the thing keeping me from honoring this promise. Seems so easy to fix in theory … I don’t have the ability to create a good, functional website technologically.
Sounds like nothing, right?
But fact of the matter is that I’ve been trying for the last year on what feels like an impossible piece of software to do this, to make Musae Mosaic happen.
And today I realized that no matter what I’ll try with that software, it will not yield me any results, because I do not, nor do I think I’ll ever know how to use it.
I’m ashamed to say I lost it a little today, when I was finally defeated by this … I lost it big time.
I feel terrible, because it’s not with this frame of mind that I hasten to the side of my nemesis, overlook our differences and conquer what need be conquered to create something good in this world …
HTML, CSS, Javascript, whatever, it means nothing to me. Everything looks the same. I thus can’t work with any of it. I can’t do anything.
And worst of all, I can’t keep my promises as promptly as I’d like.
That’s the hardest reality to contend with in all of this, that in cannot keep my promises just yet, and I want to, so desperately …
But it isn’t possible.
This software that cost us little bits of our souls to buy a year ago, it expires on the tenth of this month and if I could not create a magazine worth debuting in a year, I won’t make it in a few days.
It cost us so much for nothing, and I still want it to work, but it just won’t. Not without someone who knows how to do this, and I can’t afford that kind of help. My family is in 35k debt in medical bills alone.
So anything short of finding a magic lamp with a genie inside … I can’t fix this.
Not just yet.
And while I’ve been struggling with Musae Mosaic, creating that magazine which will still happen, God as my witness, I’ve neglected #FP … I haven’t been taking good care of it, and I want to. You’re all my best friends.
So letting go of that software before I’ve learned how to honor that exponential investment, it’s hard. Harder still is just knowing I can’t do everything by myself, as I have to, and harder than that is not being able to bring a beautiful place into the world, a place that brings all artists together …
So it’s been a hard day. A long, hard day and I wish I could tell you that I came to some profound realization, but I didn’t.
Just that nothing will ever be let go that easily. And while I’ll have to surrender Thrive Themes, though I am loathe to do so, Musae Mosaic will still take place. One way or another, come sun or rain.
I may have to let it go, for a little while, as I get a head start on other aspects of my promises, but it will happen and I won’t, you have my word, stop working on it until I have done it. Until this labor of love takes true form and takes its place in the world.
In the meantime, I think I need to piece my shattered spirit back together a bit, and forgive myself for my limitations. And then … then I will be back for this whole thing, for Musae Mosaic, and I will make magic happen.
Until next time …